Saturday, February 9, 2013

i swear i am real.

for a little over 4 months, i have driven thousands of miles back and forth to dallas children's hospital. 

i have had more than 5-6 hrs of sleep about 3-4 times. one was in the hotel at aidan's dance competition. it was amazing. 

i answer to a 2.5 year old all day. and she yells. she wants crackers. but we don't have the crackers that she wants. right then. we have the crackers that she wanted yesterday. ok then how about an oatmeal bar? oh, well, it seems sawyer at the last one for breakfast. ::reese'splosion::

i can't throw away diapers, ever, if im out. i have to take them home and weigh them. i mean, maybe i could not do that, but we're kind of anal about ins and outs. so i do. 

when i am at home from the hospital, i still have 2 children who have school, dance, and attitudes. and 1 child who wants to take naps when i am having to do those activities. she also has an attitude. 

i have zero time to do laundry. or rather, i do laundry all the time -- its just the same load that i keep re-washing/drying so i can take it out and fold it. but then i forget bc we're at therapy or school or something and then i have to re-do it again. so by the time thats done, i have something else to do. so now i just do a holyshitton at one time. then we all put it away. eventually.

i feel like i talk about myself all the time and i hate it. but in actuality, its just that people ASK me about whats going on all the time. its not like i can say "oh nothing" like i used to. bc there is always something going on. so i try to make it short and sweet and not sound callous about it all. bc i am not - i just dont want to take over the few mins i actually GET to talk to friends. 

...minus ashley and brittney. and my mom. they can get over it ;)

i want to go on a date with my husband. and its not that i can't - bc there are qualified people willing to babysit. we just won't. not yet. reese would get upset and then id worry about that. and we'd think the whole time that she is just yelling for us.... but reality is that she'd prob be just fine as long as the sitter pretended as if she was reese's butler.

giving reese medicine is world war 3 every time. she hears the words in conversation and says "nooo!!" but in the end, we win. she takes them, but she puts up a fight. i think she accepts the ddavp shot 100x better than knowing liquid meds are coming. and they don't taste that bad lol

some days, i count down the minutes until bedtime. bc i just don't feel like talking to anyone anymore. there's so much noise all of the time now. i dont know why it seems that way lol

i miss the gym. i miss my friends. i miss working out and feeling energized for the day. i feel like a frump and then act like one, too. the classes i went to are at 9/10am and now we have PT/OT/ST at those times 3 days a week. and then chemo on tuesdays. so friday is all i have. but its not like i can bring reese to the gym so.... anyway, i signed up for another gym bc they have 8pm classes and they let you try it out and i was so "wahhhh" about it bc its not like LTF and so i'll prob just complain every time i go. hmpf.

i have to plan showers. if reese is sleeping, its in my room so i dont want to go in and possibly wake her up while sneaking into my bathroom --- or drying my hair. so i have to plan them so she can be awake and can just sit on the floor and hang out while i shower. bc there's no where else to put her really. at least no where that she'd like. but i don't want to take one first thing in the morning bc im tired. and plus thats when EJ showers. 

its kind of like having a newborn. 

like at 4am, when reese wakes up for some reason, its sort of like when you have a young baby who wakes up to eat. if you talk too much to them, they wake up. if you turn on too many lights, youre effed and now they think its 8am. so thats how i feel at those times. "STOP TALKING TO HER!!!" when EJ tries to chat it up with our very sleepy 2.5 year old. sigh.

all of this to say "i am a real person, too." i pride myself and how we handle each day. im organized, im generally stress free about everything - but that doesn't mean i dont have things to complain about lol i just... take everything in stride for the most part. but sometimes, i do get sad for my old "easy street".  

i want to take reese to the park and watch her climb all over the playground. i want to go to the zoo without wondering if thats too much crap debris in the air and think "should she wear a mask?". i want to be able to go to more stores than just 1 with reese and miller bc that one store has 2 baby spots up top - and its just easier that way. petty things, of course. but meh. 

but then i remember a few things --- i have a very happy and soon to be very healthy reesey. she is thriving. and she is here. alive and happy. here. 

i have a very wonderful husband that takes care of our family. who takes care of me. who works hard and then comes to the hospital to swap me out. 

i have 3 other children that amaze me every day. their sweet souls, their hugs and kisses, their love for reese.

i have family in town who help me at the drop of a hat. no questions asked. i have friends who let me come over bc i juuuust need to see another adult face to face for a few mins. and i have prayer warriors around the world who love reese so much.

right now all i have is some IG (punkfictionv4) photos. my "real" photos are all about miller's bday (feb 6th) and i'll post all about that soon :) we've sort of spread out miller's birthday a lot due to a drop in ANC for reese and reese's random hospital stay (thurs-today) because of a consistent 99-100deg fever and an ANC of zero. but she is home now and asleep cozy in bed with EJ. i will follow them soon. 

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  1. You're totally allowed to feel this way. I think about you guys every day and I pray that some sense of relief and normalcy comes for you all.

  2. You. R. A. Rockstar. Nothing more to say but that.

  3. You ARE real, of course. And anyone would feel the things you are feeling now in this situation. Thanks for trusting us with this and being so honest.

  4. You are clearly an amazing woman! I bet you have a superhero cape hanging on your bedpost, too, just like your kiddos did after Halloween!!! =) Praying for Reese and your family, always.

  5. I've said it so many times but you are AMAZING! One day this will be a distant memory and your Reesey will be back to normal. You will be walking on "easy street" soon enough! :) Keep hanging in there!

  6. God bless don't know me IRL, but I read your fabulous blog now and again and think you are an inspiration. I can't imagine all you are dealing with, and pray for Reese and the rest of your sweet family often. Know I believe you are amazing. Hang in there.

  7. God bless don't know me IRL, but I read your fabulous blog now and again and think you are an inspiration. I can't imagine all you are dealing with, and pray for Reese and the rest of your sweet family often. Know I believe you are amazing. Hang in there.

  8. I love you and respect you as a person even more with this post. I can relate (in a much smaller sense since I only have 2 kids and we don't go to the hospital like you on top of dance/school/etc.) and you are such an inspiration to follow by. You are so strong and you are so normal lol. I've had the pleasure to meet Kelli, Aimee, Rachel, and Laurel, but I really hope one day soon I can meet you too! Keep doing what you're doing because you're rockin' it! :)

  9. If you can, outsource your laundry. There are people willing to help you out? Laundry is such an awesome, concrete way for a person to help, even if they do it in your house, or just take it to a laundromat for fluff and fold service. They really do want to do something, I promise you.

  10. Bless your heart. Sending love and prayers from Cali

  11. To be completely honest, I envisioned your life several times and put myself in your shoes and all I can think about is how I have no idea how you do it all. How you keep going. How fucking hard this all must be, and you guys don't deserve this. And who am I to even leave a comment like this? I hope I'm not upsetting you.

    You guys are so strong... if you were here I'd give you a shot of patron ;)