i will miss this.

i was walking over to get my shitty maxwell house coffee, when it hit me.

i will miss this.

it's hard to say if she'll have more chemo down the road, but for the sake of hope, lets say she's totally done.

i will miss these hospital overnights.

i will miss packing up the car. overnight clothes for miller and now corbin. dance clothes for aidan who is to be picked up by her teacher. reese's backpack filled with extra clothes, things she may want to (but likely not) play with. then my backpack with another shirt and pants - i have limited myself over the months, knowing what will and won't be used - and my toiletries. i started with bringing make up, now sometimes i bring moisturizer. ha. sometimes i bring my camera. i always bring my laptop and planner. recently, i have had to bring my pump. then we stuff it all into reese's stroller. i fight her, and lose, about  wearing a mask, finally make a deal about covering her face with laylee, and go in to the hospital.

i will miss chatting with nurses. nurses who i've grown to know and love. who know me and my family. who care about my daughter. and who show their care in every move they make. who are so smart. who are friendly. who listen to me talk… and talk. who are my liaisons for my concerns and therapists for my wandering thoughts.

i will miss reese scanning and scouring the prize closet after port access for bubbles. that she never really uses, only holds and hoards with her tape measures.

i will miss spending this time with reese, one on one. no other siblings. just me, reese, and a twin bed. during the months where my corbin-filled belly took over part of reese's spot, she just would adjust, lay on top, feel her kick.

i will miss the uncomfortable (but a lot better than ICU!) couch/bed thing here on the oncology floor, where i would spend most of the early parts of the night on my computer while reese slept. the thin blankets. the scratchy sheets. then being woken up at all hours bc i keep hearing the pole beeping. or because reese wants food at 3am. or because, amidst a dream, i heard the faint sound of a pre-puke and so i raced over to catch it. or the tech taking and re-taking reese's blood pressure because its "so low". i know it's low. poke her, she'll wake up and spike it for you.

i will miss tossing overnight diapers with tigger, to the side, only to use pooh bear ("tiny bear") ones. until reese changes her mind and then only wants to use the tigger ones. i'll miss her stuffing coins into gloves and taking out tissues. i will miss nurses thinking that her diaper-wrapped tape measures are the biggest pee they've ever held - and reese audibly correcting them to put it down.

i will miss adjusting fluids for reese's DI/non-DI. i will miss being a know it all. the mom who had it figured out for a while. "well, see what mom says…"

i will miss facetiming family at home. mainly bc EJ knows how to make it look like he's floating either a. in the ocean or b. in space.

i will miss walking to get food that reese will hate and never eat, even though she asked for it. "mommy… i want food." i will miss walking 230948230 times a night to get her ice. and creeping in and out of the room silently while i run down to get my own snack. usually a cookie. they are delicious.

i will miss trying to calm her from screaming for no reason, in the middle of the night. or whenever she wants EJ. which is usually the whole time that i am here - because she only wants mommy when she's here with EJ.

i will miss doing laundry down the hall. and sneaking laylees out bc they smell like puke.

i will miss complaining with doctors and nurses about the same kinds of things. there's some sort of camaraderie there, as they say things in agreement because they are comfortable and then i see their eyes wonder if they should have kept that confirming opinion to themselves. p.s. the answer is no.

i will miss watching full house and friends all night. until i can't keep my eyes open anymore. if king of queens comes on, its time to go to bed. they started friends, on nick at night, from the beginning. i feel like i watched it all the way through, at least twice.

i will miss reese deciding who she likes and doesn't like for the day. depending on her mood, if she'll let them put the cuff on. if she wants them to look at her port. trying to make her laugh with things that put her into giggle fits the week before, but now only makes her scowl. on happy days, i am always elated that they get to see the reese that i see every day - not a cranky kitty.

i will miss telling the nurses to please run her meds in as soon as they get here, at night, so i can put reese to bed. and then wondering whether the meds will be given easily or if she'll want to put up a fight. will she gag on the bactrim? did they order synthroid for the morning? one isn't here and now she's asleep?

i will miss the smell. the smiles. the exhaustion.
...the quiet nights. the tears. the sick kid cuddles.
i will miss the security and confidence in the people around me.

i will miss this.

now we go make more memories in new places. with newer normals... but the same us.