Tuesday, October 28, 2014

sounds of the in-between.

EJ and reese after bath1

"i need a hug."

she's never sad when she says it. she says it because she loves us. and wants a hug.

"mommy. i need you. i need a hug." she shakes her butt over to me and i gladly oblige.

"you fix my day? i fix all'body's day!" when she wants us to make her happy. or do something for her. or tell us how she made someone else's day better.

"stay in your cage! click!" as she pretends to lock me on the couch so she can be naughty.

"dont tell daaaaaddyyyyy..." and she giggles so squeakily away.

"i peed in the potty. so... CLAP!" lol.

"all'body love reesey." indeed they do.

everyday i spend 90% of my day thinking reese just has a pixie cut. and 10% of the time staring at her, wondering what i am missing.

...if i am missing something important.

i am caught between two lives. all of the time. back and forth. talking on boards to moms whose children have reese same tumor. talking to my friends whose children are perfectly healthy at school drop off. i cannot figure out where i am supposed to live.

so here i am. in between.

fully knowledgable of life's greatest fears coming to surface. two years ago, this week, i was a mom who had a sick kid. reese was taking antibiotics that i thought were making her throw up. i begged that she feel better soon. at first, her feeling randomly sick was an inconvenience - having to pick her up so soon after drop off at preschool. until finally i said "nevermind, we'll re-start school next semester"... but we never got to do that.

i am stuck in between seeing miller grow up and be the 2.5-3 year old that i didnt get from reese. i wonder how reese would have been had she not had her tumor. she wouldn't have been reese, so it doesn't matter, of course,  but its interesting to think about. it feels like a lifetime ago that aidan and sawyer were this age - and besides, that was before. back when brain tumors were sad things on other people's blogs. back when i cried for other people's children, but felt that safe distance of "not me" after i exited the browser.

its never you, right?

last night i had the weirdest thought. i was thinking about the years. just random years for some reason. 2005 when i met EJ... 2006 for aidan... la dee da going through the years... and got more recent...

2013 was good. 

i caught myself thinking it and then immediately tried to make myself retract. but it was already out there. why. why would i even say that? and honestly, its like i had forgotten everything. but i can think of so many amazing things that happened in 2013. we consistently watched reese excel beyond what so many people thought.  i spent overnights in the hospital with reese doing things that made us so close - even if chemo was involved.  i was pregnant. corbin came and filled a hole we didnt know was there. the perfect fit.

so much love wrapped over so much pain and fear.

but i guess the amnesia of it all set in a bit. the whole thing is scary, as its still so fresh. as we are still, and will always be, in between. the people who "get" both sides. and don't really have a bench to sit on. always standing around feeling a little bit more involved in each side. too many details and what ifs to keep the blinders on.

but i will gladly give those hugs. i will hurriedly say yes when she says she wants to rub my shoulders while im changing a baby diaper. she checks in while standing behind me with "that fix your day? you happy?" ill laugh at her jokes, ill smell her stinky feet, and ill pretend as if i dont know that she only wants a snack when she says "mommy? my belly hurt." i listen to her play w sawyer at bedtime, her room a mess with little people school buses and castles. i laugh as miller and reese run up to me while i am in another room, naked from the bottom down, with giggles of "look at our butts!" as they scamper off to another room to look for trouble.

almost 2 years later and i am proud of our family - of our strong kids. i am proud to be in the in-between with these 6 people.

this fall has been filled with festivals and dance events, costumes, and pumpkins. we have a busy day on friday - scare on the square and then trick or treating for the first year in this house.

it will be a halloween that we deserve. with reese walking door to door for candy she won't eat. laughing with her sisters down the sidewalk. and dancing on the street with friends who love her. every day is a battle between that 90/10 split, but each day i learn to trust my confident, but damaged heart and let God lead the way.

IG: punkfictionv4

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  1. :-) to your post. And I can't believe how fast her hair is growing.

  2. Powerful post - thanks for sharing. Can't wait to see your Halloween pics :-)