Tuesday, January 13, 2015

what we have.

things are going good.

reese feels good. vinblastine is an interesting beast. overall, there haven't been many side effects (so far, of course, tomorrow is just our 3rd dose), except being tired. she seems a bit more tired than usual, but nothing too weird or worrisome. she also is back in school - so that doesn't help. well, it helps with her happiness bc she loves school ;) she wakes up each morning, hoping its a school day,  but they are long days.

chemo last week was not like it used to be. she was sad when they put the cream on. she didn't want to play or watch movies. she knew everything that was going on. because thats what 4.5 year olds do. they know.

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but we move on. EJ brought lunch to us at clinic at legacy, we left and went to my parents' house to get M and C. we laughed and giggled. when aidan and sawyer got home, reese told them all about the day, her port, her meds, the doctors - but not once was there a hint of sadness.

we talk about going to the dr the days before. i told her today that we have the dr tomorrow - so she can get port meds. tomorrow morning, i will try to see if she'll let me put her cream on her port or if she's just going to want them to do it.

every day is so fun. its crazy. its hectic. as my kids get older, the witching hour turns from overtired babies to living room mess explosions. they have boxes that they color and make into rocketships, they have snacks that grounds crumbs on the floor. every night we pick up, vacuum, and change the dishes... a new day starts, but its still the same thing. they wrestle, they laugh, we go to dance and cook dinner.

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i want nothing more except for this chemo to be working. for, outwardly, reese's hair to grow, her to feel good, to be continually this happy. and then for vinblastine to still be so deadly to her tumor, on the inside.

i have become smarter. i look at things that i think i see and trust my instincts. i walk the line between absolute nervous worrier and over-confident mother. i don't want to tip into either bucket, but i do want to remember that each feeling is there. one gives balance to the other.

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tomorrow we may have chemo, but we also have dance class. we have lunch antics and car ride songs. we have me pretending to be foxy's voice. we have "i need a hug"s and random kisses on my hand as we walk. we take miller to school, where they will likely say the cutest goodbyes. we have love. and happiness.

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  1. I loved this! I'm stuck between the over confident mom and scared out of my britches mom right now. I usually trust my gut but it's sending mixed messages this time and I hate that. :/ thank you for being so candid with this do the rest of us out here feel a little normal about life with kids in hospitals (not the same kid of treatments) but still life threatening at times.

  2. such a touching post. your words are a constant inspiration to me, you're one amazing woman - and mama!

  3. As always, you amaze me. How you do all of this... and with such honesty, and wisdom and genuine love... it's just amazing.
    Your girls are too cute as always. Especially love the pic of Reese and Miller in the sink. Adorable.