Saturday, October 3, 2015

october.

We are coming up on 3 years. In 3 years we have been diagnosed with a brain tumor, had 2 brain surgeries, started chemo, failed chemo, started another chemo, spent 17 months with hair loss, low counts, and fevers. We have spent 8 months stable without chemo and then jumped back on to chemo. We have had another baby, laughed until our bellies hurt, cried until we fell asleep from exhaustion mixed with fear. We have fought for our children, fought for ourselves, fought for our family.

But that isn't what october should remind me of. October should be full of pumpkin spiced lattes and leggings and mindless chat with friends. October should be all of these photos without "there's an MRI coming" behind it. October 27th at 8am is our next MRI. As if that week isn't stressful enough thinking about "diagnosis day" on halloween...

I have spent the past weeks researching and deciding on plans if vinblastine wasn't cutting it anymore. I really have no reason to believe that it is not, but I don't want to be in some situation where I my head is spinning with "what to do!"

I already know what we'd do. There is peace is knowing the unknown. There is a calming effect that happens if you hear bad news, but already know the next step.

October is full of pain for me, as I look at photos from 2012. I will see reese sick... her in the ER... her home, but so so tired and vomiting non stop. I feel stupid for not know what was going on and naive for knowing something was obviously wrong, but not being able to figure it out.

But then I have weeks like this... weeks where everything is just how it's supposed to be. Weeks where we do our daily adventures and ride our bikes outside - where we literally stop to smell flowers. That is what October should be about.




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