Sunday, March 22, 2015

always tomorrow.

there are certain things you do that are stupid. unkind. vindictive.

there are things that seem hilarious when you type them, but forget there is someone on the other side of the computer. or that it will get to their ears at work or school.

sometimes emotions, pain, sadness run more rampant than common sense does and you do things you wish you hadn't.

that's okay. because tomorrow is a new day. 

what if we were all judged by our worst day? what would that say about you? what would people at school or dance class or church say about you if they only saw your worst moments?

that you're a hypocrite? that you are a faker? terrible, huh?

it may seem like you have no chance to change people's minds or to redeem yourself, but that's okay - because you don't need them to change their minds when God already knows your heart.

I have spent a lot of time trying to clean out the bad that I have that comes in - trying to separate myself from someone who I was before. Someone rude and mean. Someone that people thought was absolutely hilarious most of the time, but sadly it was sometimes at others' expense.

and I am sorry. 

The only thing I can do now is live my life how I want to show others.

I am not a hypocrite because I bible journal, I am learning new ways to read the word and share with others.
I am not a hypocrite because I don't want to get into drama, I am trying to live differently and make choices that I didn't before.
I am not a hypocrite because of things I did yesterday, last month, a year ago, but I am simply changing.

a wonderful and life inspiring friend texted me today "Please Lord let me never be judged by my worst, but how He transformed my life". indeed.

you don't have to be one bit religious to know that today is all we are guaranteed and that tomorrow is a new day. a new day to be organized, lose weight, try harder at work, or simply just take your words more seriously.

it is an incredible gift to feel the want to show people that you can change yourself from the inside out. it is not self righteous to know you fail and to start over again. this could be for anything that you try to do and fail at. Be confident that the next time, you will succeed. And, well, if you don't, I will be there reminding you that there's another tomorrow to try again.

In church this morning, our sermon was about sin (I know more than one person out there is saying "wait isn't every church sermon about sin?" lol) but that grace is there because we do sin. and it's nice to know that it is not like earthly grace - which seems to be something that is taken very lightly. people are forgiven and then hated, loved and then tortured within the same breath. hypocrisy = irrelevance to those around you - and that isn't what anyone wants to be. no one wants to feel as if their life, the choices they make, the way they make people feel their life seems is irrelevant.

I am so sad when I hear my friends be hurt by others online or treated by other moms at the preschool, people who go to work and feel talked about or even just those who've others have made feel lonely. I feel terrible that I used to be that sort of person, not caring about others' feelings. hopefully there will be a time where other people remember that their tomorrow... is today.

It is okay to change. That is what we're called to do. Embrace it.


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Wednesday, March 11, 2015

illustrated.

This has been a good week. I feel as if I should have updated here about what the plan for chemo is. :)

We are continuing the vinblastine. When the oncologist called, basically they were unimpressed with the "growth" and don't want to call vinblastine a fail yet. Her head was in a different position and "it's been said" that vinblastine needs a bit of time - so we'll see. I agree with them and am really happy with this. Her next MRI will be the same time as our make-a-wish disney cruise - so I will have to decide (sort of, I mean, who knows when they will actually have an opening) if I want to know before or after vacation how it is continuing to work. I hope we can do it before, though - I am the type of girl who needs to "know". and wants a plan.

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This is spring break and my patience has been tried during the gray and rainy days. But today was sun and full of glorious smiles. I hope the rest of the week continues to be as wonderful. Being off routine is hard, chemo yesterday (luckily it was quick and easy), and this past weekend. When we got reese's counts back yesterday, they were lower than they had been  - I am hoping and praying this was vinblastine's way to say "hey, I am doing my job..." ;)
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If you are following me on instagram, you may have seen some doodling that I have been doing.

after reese had her discouraging MRI in december, A friend of mine contacted me with a great idea.

throw kindness like confetti.

she asked if I would be the recipient family for her kindness calendar. oh what a month it was - cards with amazing words of hope and love, gifts for the girls, encouragement for us. It really is such a sweet thing that she is doing and I hope it catches like wildfire.

One of the things my sweet friend does in her bible is journaling. If you look at #biblejournaling or #illustratedfaith on instagram, you will see hundreds of inspirational women with gorgeous art work in their bibles. The concept is this - while you're reading, doing your bible study (beth moore's children of the day, here), needing a certain verse to get you through a difficult time, whatever it may be -and something stands out at you... go with it.

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Things I use:

A Journaling Bible
Micron Pens
No-bleed Gel Highlighters.
Watercolors.
Washi Tape.
Twistable Colored Pencils.
Alphabet Wooden Stamps.
Clear Stamps and Stamping Block.
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and really anything you can find at a craft store.

I am a simple gal who doesn't use a lot of the crafting supplies like stickers and such, but you can see on IG how many women go absolutely nuts with those things.

Anyway, sort of an explanation since so many people have asked me on IG :)
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Wednesday, March 4, 2015

quick update.

Waiting is the worst. No matter you find out good news, bad news... the wait on which it will be, is the worst part.

Our onc called last night before I went to bed and it was just news that requires more waiting and thinking. The radiologist said "slight growth". Then the oncs looked at it and were sort of "ehh" about it. Not that they totally disagree, but we'll see.

Tumor board is tomorrow. Which I always try to picture in my head and sort of have this overdone concept of what it is, but basically it's this: all the oncs, the neuro surgeons, radiologists, whoever sit around and go through patients. They talk about our scans, how we're doing, etc. So tomorrow, the radiologist will present (ish) reese's MRI. If there is some overwhelming "ooooh you're right that is growth worth worrying about!!" then we will swap treatments/chemo.

I am not certain, and neither are the oncs, that it's time to give up on vinblastine, though. It has been said by some that vinblastine MRIs sometimes have growth at the beginning and then stable out the rest of the time. Has it done part of the job? Maybe. It surely didn't grow like it did from Sept through December, right? I don't know, exactly when it grew. Maybe this was from the last MRI through the beginning of chemo. There is no way to know those things. So we'll just see, tomorrow, if we want to give it more time. That is not necessarily to say that it is a life-long fixer, but that stable year with this "easy" chemo, sounds amazing. And with a child that feels 100% awesome, it's not a bad idea to keep at it and do another MRI in 6-8w, as they stated. Our onc will talk to his colleagues and knowledgable friends in high places (lol) and we will talk tomorrow.

I don't feel as if it is my time to worry right now. Again, even after being somewhat surprised bc reese feels/acts perfect, I feel a sense of relief gaining more information. I like to be fully informed, I like that I have doctors that talk with me and not to me. I like to research and ask questions and have a list of things that are potentially "next". I am the type to get 2nd, 3rd, 10th opinions just to hear "yes, I agree with them".  I will spend the rest of the day talking like I am an oncologist while I wait for the real ones to chat me up. So, until tomorrow, there's really nothing else.

Except this headband that the kids made for reese. There's that.
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