we had our 3 month MRI yesterday. it was a long day. i woke up at 5am to get ready. reese, corbin, and i headed downtown by 6am and then EJ took the girls to school. he got there about 830/9? i dont remember. she was out by about 10 or so and then we went to help her wake up. we went upstairs for our "after" appointment. we waited… and waited. first glance said tumor looked stable. alright then. i agreed that it'd be okay if they just called me with the official reading later.
i kept my phone on me. literally. i knew if i walked away, i'd miss a call. i called at 230 or so to say "hey. still waiting!" and someone called me back later to say "they are looking at it now". our onc called us at about 830pm.
basically he said that there were 2 things to mention. one was that her tumor looked stable, which he was happy with. ok neat. i need to remind people, i think, that her tumor doesnt necessarily have to go away. it can just die. ish. so if for the rest of her life we heard "stable", then that would be totally okay. the second thing was that there was some spot, far away from her tumor, that they wanted to look at again in 2 months.
of course my heart sank. damnit.
he said that he and the radiologist looked at it for a long time. they couldnt decide what it was or wasn't. they asked our neurosurgeon to look at it. she didnt feel as if it was something we needed to look at right now. and keep in mind, they have all rushed when they have felt the need to rush. i trust their "wait and see" a lot. he can't tell me its not tumor - because how does he know that for fact. he can't say it is because that would be strange - the location, the chemo progress, the main tumor shrinkage from the beginning (which is impressive for size reduction). he can't tell me it will or won't just go away. remember in december there was weird things on an MRI (not the same as this), but it just went away by the next MRI. i think it was last summer, they accidentally did a spine MRI when they were doing her brain - and a doctor mentioned a spot that they'd look at later - that went away, too. none of this is the same, of course, but just to say who knows.
i find it very hard to believe that my talking, walking, joking, thriving almost 4 year old is some how, not…
anything is possible. so for that we just pray. he can't tell me we won't need more chemo. there are more plans and protocols if need be. i just don't really want to need them. i joke about staying on chemo forever, since the feeling of losing that safety net can take my breath away. then i am faced with a half second of thinking about more chemo and i immediately regret any alternate comment.
worrying does me no good. not one smidgen of help. so last night i let myself be sad. and then that was that. i took my sweet girl who desperately missed school to her favorite teachers and friends, today. when she got into the car at pick up, she told me they went outside and played on the swings (which by the way, she never used to do. she hated the swings. i figured it was bc of the tumor). then she told me they had an egg hunt ::sigh:: what a fabulous morning.
2 days ago, i had some sort of… daydream. i had set myself up for something amazing, which i rarely do. i thought to myself "what if he said it was just gone? what if her tumor just disappeared?" and i think thats what was so hard - i had been living in some sort of "whoa, look how awesome she's doing" bubble - that the pop, was difficult.
but tomorrow, she goes to school again. and then again on friday. like a normal kid. next tuesday we will have our "last chemo". i will celebrate. we all will celebrate. we'll have another MRI in mid-june, assuming all goes well in may, and then figure it all out then. or not… maybe there won't be anything to figure out.
for now im going to go pick out which photos i want to order of reese's first school photos. i am going to relish in the giggles i hear upstairs as aidan is sleeping in reese's room again tonight. and i am going to try to remember that i cannot change things by being worried or sad. we can only enjoy every moment with each of our kids. which we'd be doing no matter what the MRI said. no one is guaranteed tomorrow.