Wednesday, August 20, 2014

growing up.

this is a busy week. we had reese's teachers come over on monday to visit before school. ive never seen her giggle for that long. literally the whole time they were here. tuesday was "meet the teacher" for her - which meant we brought supplies in and said hello. she got the warmest welcome as she pushed that walker through the door. she had on fake purple glasses, a top knot headband, her rainbow shirt, and cut off lace shorts. just so her. and when i remembered that these are the things she picked out. the ensemble she put together, i realized how much she has grown up.


sunday night i said to EJ, "i bet she has a fever. i can tell." he rolled his eyes, got the thermometer, then made the "damn, you're right" face lol


not even a fever for most, but reese's natural temperature is lower than most (tumor location, mainly), and i didnt want it to possibly go higher and us have to leave for the ER even later than it was. she responds like normal - "can we go to the dr to get you some med meds?" "yah. but not my port!"


she walks in w me using her walker. no stroller. i don't carry her. i carry my sonic drink - because we obviously stopped for cheese-cheese before we got there ;)

it was a longer night than i expected. i knew that the fever was just something going around our house - i mean, sawyer had a fever only days before. and since then, actually, miller had up to 102.5 and aidan had a low-grade fever. it is just what was floating around here. she sticks her arm out for blood pressure and smiles at the nurses. she made the dr bribe her with stickers before chatting w him, though.

we had to get a "clean catch" on urine to test for UTI so we shuffled our way to the bathroom with a cup. we came back to the room and waited until we [finally] got some emla cream for her port.

she is strong now. after the 30 mins w cream on, they came in with their gloves and accessing stuff. she watched. she surprisingly put a mask on. then we put one on foxy.

when it was time to access her, she tried to kick her legs so we had to hold her legs down.

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"im stuck in mud! im stuck in mud!" and my heart broke.

thats from super why. "jasper's cowboy wish". which we have seen three dozen times. jasper has to be a hero and save the horse from the mud. we play "stuck in mud" all the time at home. and we save reese from "the mud" as she is stuck on all 4's on the floor.

but she was just crying. she couldn't move.

we were done in a flash, but i couldn't seem to get her to understand we weren't staying. i told her a dozen times that we weren't sleeping there. we were sleeping at home. port out. bandaid on. she wouldn't even lay down to relax.

"stop your talking, mommy!"

lol so that didn't work.

within a few mins, she settled down. i went to get her a snack and she facetimed EJ. eventually she got it. and in reality, i assume she just thought i was lying. i've told her a dozen times before "meds in. port out." but the length of times have varied. antibiotics, chemo... it just depends. and that's my fault, i suppose.

but now she's older. now she understands more.

so now she goes to school. every day. only this year she gets full day 3x a week. what an absolute blessing. not only will this help with her endurance, and pretty much all things PT, but will get her so much more ready for kindergarten next year. she's learning her letters and numbers. figuring out sounds, recognizing them, and counting. things that i was not even thinking about almost 2 years ago when this all began.

i am just so proud.

the rest of the week consists of more "meet the teachers", play dates, sleepovers, and celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary which is next monday. which is also the first day of school, of course.

since reese will be in school on fridays, i want to join a MOPS group. as a friend said, "only you would find free time and then try to fill it up..."

i am spending today organizing more of the "back to school" portions of the house and im really geeked out about starting this year.

this one is different. this is going to be a good year. a normal year.

...whatever that means.
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Thursday, August 14, 2014

the summer is beginning to end.

its august. its hot - although not as hot as it usually is this time of year. my kids are sort of… over my face. we try to go to the gym in the mornings. if i can't get everyone ready in time for the 8:45 or 9am class, here we stay. i don't like driving around for no reason with all 5. its such a huge ordeal to get them in and out that i just... would rather sit in my PJs some days.  plus, dance is in the afternoons so we play, eat, nap, and go, generally.

the house gets so messy. toys come out that i haven't seen in months. yesterday, they brought a ridiculous amount of baby stuff downstairs. and carts. and "got in the car" and "went to the store". it was fun to listen to them.

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i put them in the bath to waste time. or the sink. reese loves sink bubbles. today i had to hose corbin down after she ate and then i tossed reese in. so worth it.

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they play dress up. they make each other laugh. or cry. or yell. or kiss and hug. and all of those emotions in a 30 second span.

sawyer had a fever last night and all day today. up to 102 or so. tonight the same. reese has been cranky and has a canker sore and i wonder if she is going to get sick.

i have been so good lately. its middle of august, 1 month until our next MRI, almost exactly. and i have been super confident. i watch reese show everyone how amazingly she opens her bad arm. i watch her walk everywhere. its amazing. she talks more. understand jokes and tells them. she knows so many numbers and letters - a place where i thought she'd be behind for kindergarten next year - i think she'll be right on track. her hair so soft and fluffy. growing back right over the scars.

but then i make things up, of course. "she looks fatter" - well, she is. lol she is bigger. she has gained weight and a smidgen of height. i imagine since chemo is over, she'll grow to be the size of a normal 4 year old haha she's still pounds and inches less than aidan was (similar body type as a toddler) at the same age. i worry about sleep. "oh she didnt sleep well last night" and then she's tired the next day. not too tired - normal tired. but then i think "wait she slept too well last night" blah blah. its a cycle of crazy. and then when another kid is sick? its hard to say to myself that there's even a possibility that anything reese does is because she, too, may feel crappy.

because it always has to be about the tumor.

but then i look at photos like this. or my random daily IG posts (punkfictionv4) and know that everything is okay right now. we are happy.

school starts on the 25th. next week is filled with meet the teacher nights and back to school shopping for things i couldn't find yet.

aidan is a bit nervous, but so excited. sawyer is beyond ready. reese cannot wait to see her teachers again. miller is giggly to see her friends. and corbin, well, she's happy with me ;)

prayers that we stay healthy, please. and that every day only feels better than the one before.

Friday, August 8, 2014

holding hands.

this week, reese had her port flushed. i told her monday night night we were going to go to the doctor today and she said "no port…" and held that small scarred area on her chest.

i didn't bring a stroller. she walked the whole way. with aidan by her side, the only parts she didnt walk were up and down the long ramped hallway. and then a few breaks to catch her breath from laughing so hard as she purposefully ran into aidan's legs. "crash!!!" she'd say.

at some points, she'd yell for aidan to push her walker and she'd walk with me. side by side. hand in hand. but it wasn't the weird hand holding. it wasn't me with my arm crooked, trying to balance her. my arm was relaxed and we were just holding hands like mothers and children do.

i've thought about this before. i've been walking with miller or another child and thought "will i do this with reese ever again? will we just hold hands and walk together normally?"


when we left, aidan said "wow, everyone knows reese." and thats partly true. reese was in a great mood - smiling, laughing w people, giving kisses and racing down the hall. we saw nurses and friends. we saw our main ICU dr from the beginning - as well as when reese was septic - on our way out. i always wonder what people are thinking. he was proud, you could tell. reese was laughing, trying to chase aidan and he turned back to watch, with a smile on his face. he is the best - always forthright and honest with us. so seeing him proud made me feel the same.

we went to get SMC and then on to PT/OT. then dance. then made dinner and met with neighbors for "national night out". it was a good day.

we bring reese's walker everywhere now. i want her to walk into places. and even walk while AT places. she walked through the store with us the other day. i got a regular cart (instead of a big one) and so there was simply no space. sorry reese, walk. and she did.
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august has started up and the summer is winding down. we've had a surprisingly cool summer, so playing outside is a must. aidan went to the lake with my parents from thursday through sunday. sawyer had a friend's bday party on saturday. we're planning things like backpacks and lunches. getting our fall dance schedule solidified.
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im ready for aug 25 to come and me be SO SUPER HYPED about making lunches until mid september when im like "eat at school today…". im ready to send off 4 kids in one day and go to the gym with my one snuggly baby.

i am ready to wave goodbye in the morning and see them running towards us in the afternoon. im ready for miller to see her friends again and tell me illogical hilarious stories of her day.

im ready to hold reese's hand and walk her into school.

"you come back?" she always asks when we talk about school starting again.

i always come back. every day i come back to hold her hand.
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