Monday, December 15, 2014

i already knew.

for the past week, i have been, almost, mourning this MRI. before it even happened.

i already knew. 

"she tripped a lot today at school". since reese has been, literally, running around the house, i brushed it off that she was trying to over achieve. but deep down, i knew.

her bad arm has been so awesome, but for the past few days, i noticed it was just not as awesome. i can't really explain it - it still opens, closes, grabs things, squeezes my finger hard, etc - its just... not the same.

when the oncologist called me today and said "it grew a little bit", my world stopped, but i was able to catch my breath, finish changing a baby, and then cry. i had prepared myself. sort of. because no one actually prepares themselves to hear any of that.

but facts are - there are other chemo protocols (and his in words "more effective, even") and he sent everything to our neurosurgeon to see if maybe she wanted a grab at it.

so, we'll meet on thursday - or maybe wednesday if i can move the appointment up - to talk about it all. get a game plan in order for right after christmas.

my heart is broken. reese is perfect. literally perfect in every single way. every day i say "i love you" and hear a perky "i lub you too, mommy!" in return. she knows her letters and numbers and runs around the house "takin' yo booty and put it in da trash!!" she takes care of "her baby" (foxy) and does the same kissing and loving to "my baby" (corbin).

but, in the end, we still have some cells to kill. chemo in, tumor out.

there is a sense of devastation. i imagine she'll get a new port, which will confuse her. i'll be going to the hospital w a kid who understands more. and that alone is enough to make my heart stop.

there is a sense of relief. knowing now, what i thought i knew. intuition is a very strange thing. only a few times in this journey could have not put feelings aside. and there was a reason.

i am ready to start another chapter. only this one ends with no tumor left.

#gingerfight


10848402_403413973142089_1074578565_n 10838850_773213906049210_1273076230_n 10852907_771889606191818_111409720_n-2 10864749_773484619372989_486087938_n 1530744_1598310770396877_557355716_n 10859975_609824659121997_111565380_n   10838654_768690726543362_397620862_n10848181_922157731141334_92387165_n10838436_1523478004567598_1013155550_n

20 comments:

  1. Praying HARD for all of you.... <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hugs to you, always praying for your sweet girl!

    ReplyDelete
  3. My eyes welled up while reading this. Praying for your sweet girl.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Posting for all of you. I can't imagine! 💕💕💕💕

    ReplyDelete
  5. Gods got this. You've got this. Reese's got this. You guys are a tough crew. Gosh. I seriously feel like picking up the phone to call you....except I'm just a blog stalker way over in FL. I'm blubbering like a baby because I was hoping you were wrong. I'll step up the prayers to include these Drs getting answers super fast for you since I know how 1 day can seem like 1 yr when waiting on "the plan". Well hugs my friend. (Not weirdo stalker hugs. Sincere Mama to hurting Mama hugs.)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I have no words. Love you and your family. <3

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am so very sorry that you didn't get the news we were all hoping and praying for. I am grateful you have a team of wonderful doctors with a plan! Sending you lots of love and good vibes, as well as strong prayers, from Minnesota!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mama's always know....and you know she will be good. Sending prayers for peace and strength!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Reese is such a beauty!! You can just feel her amazing spirit in the photos you share. Cancer sucks. Continues prayers for all involved!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Praying praying praying for your sweet sweet girl. God listens. Prayer is powerful.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Tears in my eyes and in awe of your strength. She is lucky to have you and you to have her.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ik what it like to been through I have a diease as well I am 16 years old and I have. A diease called ee reading her story made me cry I wish I could help her and help find a cure for her prays to u and the family <3

    ReplyDelete
  13. My heart sunk reading this. You have so many people praying & here for you! God bless you for your positive attitude & bless that amazing warrior for all shes battled and is continuing to battle.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Praying praying praying! God has a plan, trust in it. Continue being strong & positive. God bless our lil Ginger warrior, she's got this!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Damnit. Damnit damnit damnit.

    ReplyDelete