pre-thanksgiving.

It has been too long since I have blogged. Fall photography gets me buried on my computer under other people's families and not my own. which is okay. It all ends this wkend and I will be able to bother my own kids with the camera more.

Things are going as they should be. My anxiety is on high alert as we count down to dec 15th - reese's MRI. that is a monday. we dont want them to call us at all. our appointment to "talk about the MRI" is thursday. kids who are not on high alert anymore have to wait, i guess, for info. but, of course, if something was wrong, then they'd tell us immediately. i will barely eat those few days, but in the end, i pray that we have a huge celebratory "8 months out of chemo and still stable!" dinner.

reese turned 4.5. which is so old, really. because its close to 5 and that is really old.

 

she is only months away from kindergarten round up, her final ARD, summer vacation... and then going to elementary school. i always had this picture in my head of reese heading off with her sisters to school. all 3 so close in grades - k, 2, 3. all reese wants to do is ride the bus home. yeah, we'll see if i unclench that much. ha. she's too tiny. but i guess thats what big sisters are for - to protect.

sawyer lost her first tooth. which really needed to happen because the other tooth was coming in behind it 0_o she was so excited. she wiggled it for weeks before finally coming home with that tooth in an envelope.

 
she got $5. it was that or a twenty and i dont think the tooth fairy is that rich lol

since the bigs go to school every day (and reese doesn't miss like she did so much last year), its been really nice to just hang out with miller. she's so funny. and sweet. and cuddly. and rude. and bossy. but still funny. she spends most of her days at home in PJs. and the other days at school in her bear slippers. because miller doesn't care. she's so cool.

 
 we had reese in the ER for a constant fever (rhinovirus, luckily). miller got pneumonia. sawyer had strep. this was of course after the pukes for everyone at the beginning of the month. sigh.



we had a big fun project to do with aidan for her "living museum" at school (about ohio! yay! lol). we've had a ton of dance practice for the downtown christmas holiday show that aidan, sawyer, and reese are dancing in this wkend.



things are as they are supposed to be, i guess. it is funny - i emailed about the ccbd (center for cancer and blood disorders)'s big xmas party. we didnt go last year because reese had meningitis and so this year i wanted to plan ahead. but she doesn't qualify. which is totally fine, but it was so strange. she is not on treatment and its for kids on treatment. ok. i sat there reading it feeling both totally blessed and scared to be in that position again. i am not removed from "them". i am not removed from children who are in treatment - honestly, on certain oncology pages, i have to remind myself that we aren't on treatment.

i watch reese's hair grow. she got a new AFO boot and i watch her walk so well with that. reese is getting such a funny personality and watching her be who she was always supposed to be is amazing. corbin is growing up and becoming a part of the party. she is funny and naughty. and giggling. and fat and happy. miller wanting to be a big girl and the big girls being too old. sawyer is growing out of that little girl and into 6. it suits her, but its strange. aidan is turning 8 in a few weeks and i see the preteen coming. its horrible and awesome at the same time.


i am thankful for so many people. people who take time of their day to remind me that they are still praying. it brings me to tears. i am thankful that i meet people who have no idea why reese has a mohawk - not because i dont want to talk about it, because i do. and i always will - having a brain tumor usually comes up within a few mins of chatting, but just that they think she's totally okay. i am thankful for my family, for my friends. i am thankful that i am not angry. that i understand that no matter what her brain tumor took away, every day is a day we take back. she takes it back so fiercely. and for that, i am eternally thankful.

have an amazing thanksgiving. spend it hugging those who you love.

a simple virus.

it started with sawyer puking once at school.

i thought it was her new meds.

reese got a fever later in the week and then woke up and i thought she was going to throw up. i called the onc nurses because it actually freaked me out. i almost kept reese home from school on halloween - a fun FUN day at school - because of it. of course the nurses assured me that it was because i was on high alert.

it was 2 years since dx. 

so i waited all day for 2pm to roll around... its weird to miss someone after such a short amount of time. but i worried all day that i would get some call that she threw up.

but she didn't.

instead, we got ready for scare on the square.

we weren't there for long and it was cold. i did get some smiles. we got to giggle with friends, but i was so ready to get home to get to EJ and to trick or treating.




we walked around the neighborhood, EJ put his rig on and was a skydiver, reese and corbin in the stroller, miller/aidan/sawyer running from house to house. we saw friends and neighbors and relished in all of the reasons that we chose this neighborhood. the kids, the families. it was perfect.

saturday we spent all day at the mall. the kids were tired. i could tell not everyone was up to par. EJ and i went to a wonderful and gorgeous wedding on saturday night, but our sitter called to tell us that reese was asleep the whole time. we got home, still asleep. i woke up in the middle of the night and didnt feel good, but figured i had too much wine - reese woke up for the day and puked.

i couldn't even breathe. 

EJ took her to the ER at legacy. i called downtown to let them know. i simply told the fellow on call the facts - she has a shunt. she has a brain tumor. and she puked. so off she went. i wasn't asking - i was telling.

they did a dozen neuro exams on her and decided virus. by the time they got home... i agreed.

i was so sick. fever. puking. running to the bathroom. it was lord of the flies in the house with the other 4 kids, while EJ was gone. i was just laying on the floor while they ruled around me.

reese had gotten zofran and felt better. the rest of the day we slept it off. she puked again in the middle of the night on sunday, i kept her home monday.

yesterday, reese went to school. they all went to school. i still seem to have low grade fevers around here, but nothing too weird.

then last night i got "the tap" at midnight from aidan. she had thrown up all over her bathroom.

...and another one bit the dust. 

let me say, had i not been sick this wkend with a stomach virus, i would have been sick with worry. i can safely say that i would not have slept soundly, until december, with her next MRI. in the back of my mind, i would have wondered if they missed something - if it really was just a simple virus.

i have not had to do something this normal in a while. lots of laundry, extra baths, the time change making everyone so sleepy. normal fall, i suppose.

laced with worry, of course. as it will be forever.

(every day photos. starting from sept 1 til now)