party time.

may is so busy. end of year things for school, recital prep for dance, reese's birthday, my birthday, spring shoots.

reese's actual birthday date came and went, as i wasn't planning her party for that weekend… i regularly see a big girl forming where a toddler once was. one more year until kindergarten. the time reese has had her tumor has flown by. the 2.5 year old i had fall 2012 seems so distant. but i dont even know how we got to 4.

she pets my face in the mornings and kisses me on my nose. "i wan' go to the couch." and even though its 5:45am, i pack up my blanket, head to the couch, put on umizoomi and give her that time to wake up. "i wan' outta BED, mommy!" she wants "a different food" even after i just got her what she asked for. if she says "i dood it", she means it. and won't move on until you undo what you did so she can do it herself.

she's bossy. she's overflowing with love. she's cuddly. she can scream louder than anyone i know. she's sneaky. she's funny. she's determined. my monkey in the middle. sweet reesey.

the skelte set of grandparents were in town this wkend :) we had a good time - splash park, hanging here at the house, dinner for my own birthday (yesterday! yay me!), and then we decided to go ahead and have reese's party today. so many wonderful friends. so many laughs. so much love.

we are so blessed.

reese wanted a pink party. so thats what she got ;)

sawyer spent most of the day upstairs entertaining several loved ones with her rendition of every frozen song. EJ was running around and i could never catch him on camera ;) several other special people some how avoided my camera, as well…. grrrr.

i had to unclench today and let reese *try* the cupcake she picked out (thomas the train lol). even though, in the end, she had like 5 licks and was over it. i guess thats what happens when you don't eat sugar, right? ha.

we got her a glo-fish tank for her birthday and set it up last night. this afternoon we went to the pet store and got a pink fish, purple fish, and 2 of those water frogs. she cuddled the bag the whole way home. she freaked out after we said we had to take them OUT of the bag and into the water (lol), but then ASRM *all* were so excited when they were finally swimming around.

this week has been funny. i have had such a swing of emotions. my last post unveiled a high level of anxiety that will be in my life forever. but then, i am able to watch her walk with only that cart. or cuddle with corbin. or laugh with sawyer. or cry to aidan. or fight with miller. all of it. and i can breathe again.

every day i remind myself that today is the day that we are awesome. today is the day that we make memories.

today we totally succeeded in both.

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the weight.

sometimes when i am driving, i think of something horrible and i can't breathe. my chest feels heavy and then sometimes i cry… to release. sometimes i don't.

i have spent the past few days staring at her eyes, wondering if bad arm is still going good, making sure she is walking normally.

its exhausting. 

i have no one to blame but myself, i suppose. i do it when things are going well. its like perceived reality slaps me in the face. not actual reality, of course - because everything has been so amazing lately.

last week, for the first time i can remember, i was able to carry corbin in her bucket seat and walk next to reese into lunch.  i can't carry the bucket AND reese. but this time we didnt have to go through the drive-through. we got to walk in, sit down, and eat lunch together. it was wonderful.

we are at that point in the year that starts to get crazy. dance recital is at the end of the month, school is ending (and as for M, already), i have been trying to go to the gym in the mornings as much as i can. reese goes to school every morning, minus tuesdays, which are labs. tomorrow she has labs from her port - which we havent accessed since the last chemo.


…tuesday would have been another chemo. but it won't be. it'll be labs.

and then i'll worry again. in between the shrieking giggles. the meow-meows. the surprise kisses on the cheek when i get her out of the car. the running in place that she does by moving her arms really fast. wanting to "cook eggs!!" with me every day. staying awake from nap until i lay her on my chest and she can't resist a quick sleep.


all of those moments - make every chest pounding fear subside. eventually.

pray that i relax. please. pray that every day is only better and better. 

life.

we're living it. day by day.

if we were still on chemo, we'd have a bit one next week. instead, we have a port flush and labs.

i savor the little things as best as i can. watching miller and reese play is one of my favorite things to do.



they are made for each other, really.

i stopped on the side of the road one night with aidan for no reason other than to see her face on camera.

i took only reese with me to the zoo for sawyer's field trip. it was so much fun. i couldnt sign up to be an actual volunteer since i didnt know how many kids i'd have to bring or even if i could go, but im so glad it worked out.



and mother's day. EJ was out of town for a bachelor party til mid morning, that day, so it was just me and the girls in the morning. cuddled up.



...and reese turned 4. her party is the wkend of my bday - which is when EJ's family will be here :) i had been prepping so long for a 4 year old, that it hit me and then flew by. her party will make it seem more real. 1.5 years ago, i wondered who my 4 year old would be. over the past months, reese's face has matured out of a toddler. she isnt the same 4 year old, physically, as i have had before, tumbling off the playground, running through the sprinklers, but she's the same in most every other way. she sings songs and makes jokes. she gets her feelings hurt. she gets excited over the same things your 4 year old does. we may not do hair, but we do make-up. i "do [her] eyebrows?" (eye shadow) most mornings. makes her feel pretty, i guess.

i have so much more to say. including updates about the "one of nine" project with jackie and grayson.

but for now, thank you for praying for reesey as we transition into a month that would have had chemo, but wont. and for that spot on the MRI that we will look at again in june that i want to puke about, but is not a big deal to anyone else.

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reese's fb page.